this place needs some more activity, and I thought a good stickied jokes topic couldn't hurt (thus why I stuck it in general and not junk), so post some jokes. Here's one:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Post by GinfnersAddict on Mar 18, 2005 23:15:03 GMT
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Post by GinfnersAddict on Mar 20, 2005 2:00:30 GMT
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
A woman walks upto a gnarled old man rocking in a seat in his garden. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret to a long and happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replies. "I also do a gram of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and do pills on the weekend." "That's amazing," Says the woman. "how old are you?" "Twenty six"
Post by GinfnersAddict on May 30, 2005 23:43:54 GMT
Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just got word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire British supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Christ, John, the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwated babies - We'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... America?..."
"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!!"
"What about Ireland?"
"Maybe, but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call Bertie Ahern, tell him we need one million condoms; coloured red, white and blue; twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way he'll know how big the Brits really are!!"
John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the Brits out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street, full of boxes. A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 12 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured red, white and blue.
He the notices in small writing on each and every one:-Made In Ireland - Size Medium.