Post by Shenmue Master on Nov 20, 2005 6:59:14 GMT
like you. i kid Mr. T There is a nice guy that does all sorts of good deeds God tells him that he will grant him any wish he desires he says " i would like a bridge to hawaii" God tells him "do you know how much work that would be. all the millions of tons of concrete. hiring all of the workers. working in the water. it would take forever" he replies "well, thats ok, then i guess my wish would be to understand women" God replies "now was that bridge two lanes or 4."
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "
Post by ShenmueAddict on Nov 27, 2005 17:54:26 GMT
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
Post by ShenmueAddict on Dec 17, 2005 14:13:16 GMT
Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary. One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?" The other man replied," A Jag and a Mercedes." "wow that weird why both?" "Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?" "A pair of slippers and a vibrator." "wow that's really weird why?" "well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"
Post by GinfnersAddict on Dec 18, 2005 2:07:45 GMT
This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist Board. Mine reads, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."
Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.
Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Post by ShenmueAddict on Dec 10, 2006 23:08:24 GMT
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Post by ShenmueAddict on Dec 17, 2006 19:13:04 GMT
Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?
Post by GinfnersAddict on Aug 20, 2007 22:49:06 GMT
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island.
After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....
Post by baby beedle hitler on Aug 21, 2007 14:41:14 GMT
There was a man who went on holiday to Florida. His wife was on a business trip, and so was planning to meet him there the next day. When he arrived, he decided to send his wife an email. However, he had lost the paper with her address on it, and so he typed it in best as he could from memory.
Unfortunately he missed one letter, and his note was sent to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman checked her email, she let out a piercing scream and colapsed on the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen, it read:
Just got checked in, everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.