Official Shenmue UK Joke Topic

[ShenmueAddict]

gnfnrs said:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

"Do you know her?" asks my wife.

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" said my wife. :Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

LMFAO!!

[GinfnersAddict]

During a church service, a pastor asked the congregation if they had anything they wanted to share that made them thankful.

A woman stood up and said, "I'm thankful because two months ago, my husband had a terrible bicycle wreck. Jim's scrotum was smashed, he was in excruciating pain, and doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A gasp rose from the men in the congregation as they imagined poor Jim's pain.

"Jim was unable to hold me or the children," the woman continued. "Every move caused him terrible pain. Doctors performed a delicate operation to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men squirmed, imagining such surgery.

"But now," she said, "Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say his scrotum should recover completely." With that, she sat down as the men exhaled in unison.

The pastor tentatively asked, "Does anyone else have anything to say?"

A man rose and said, "Good morning. I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, once again, that the word is 'sternum' not "scrotum'!"

[ShenmueAddict]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[GinfnersAddict]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

[ShenmueAddict]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, 'And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.' 'OH NO!'
Mr. Bush exclaims. 'That's terrible!' His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing. Finally, the president looks up and asks, 'Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?'

[GinfnersAddict]

Packie was having trouble with his computer, so he called Richard , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Packie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" "It was an ID ten T error," he replied. Packie didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... uh ... in case I need to fix it again?" Richard grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," Packie replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So he wrote down: I D 1 0 T .....

[ShenmueAddict]

ha ha ha

[GinfnersAddict]

Based on a true story

[ShenmueAddict]

Ron and the Blonde
























Ron,
a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM.











He
sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at
the TV.















The
10:00 PM news was coming on.















The
news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of
a large building preparing to
jump.















The
blonde looked at Ron and said, 'Do you think he'll
jump?'















Ron
says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump. '















The
blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he
won't.'















Ron
placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'















Just
as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on
the ledge did a swan
dive off the building, falling to his








death.















The
blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to
Ron, saying, 'Fair's
fair.
















Here's your money.'















Ron
replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier
on the 5 PM news







and
so I knew he would jump.'















The
blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do
it again.'
















Ron took the money.

[baby beedle hitler]

Heh, yeah heard that one before. Good one... Although the paragraphs were rather annoying.

[ShenmueAddict]

Sorry thats how it was sent to me in an email

[GinfnersAddict]

You aren't sorry.
























A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."



































The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."














































"Yes," the man responded. "I've just found out my older brother is gay."



































































The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

























































































When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
























































































































On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



































The bartender said "Struth! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"





















































































































































































































"Yeah," the man said, "my wife."

[baby beedle hitler]

that probably took you longer to paragraph than it did for me to scroll down.


Also, no need to apologise.

[GinfnersAddict]

You know you could add jokes to the topic once in a while.

[baby beedle hitler]

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on film as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."


There, happy now?

[GinfnersAddict]

I guess so...

[baby beedle hitler]

Did you read all of that? Because I didn't.

[GinfnersAddict]

I actually did, and the joke seems to be on me for wasting my time doing so.

[ShenmueAddict]

CURTAIN RODS----

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.






On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.





On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .





When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.






She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.


Then slowly, the house began to smell .





They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .



Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .




Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!






People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.






Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .




Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls




Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.





The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.





He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .




Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .



She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork





A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........



And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!







I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[GinfnersAddict]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.







The man had a heart attack ten times milder
than his wife .

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.


Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!