baby beedle hitler
Senior Hazuki
The official S.U.K. pope
1%
the chipper oirish black prez
Posts: 2,396
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Post by baby beedle hitler on Aug 22, 2007 17:06:29 GMT
I bet he goes on a rocking horse, too.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Aug 27, 2007 23:07:04 GMT
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Aug 28, 2007 0:28:07 GMT
1. Taoism - Shit happens.
2. Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
3. Hindusim - This shit happened before.
4. Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.
5. Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
6. Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?
7. Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens".
8. 7th Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.
9. Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
10. Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it.
11. Jehova's Witness - Knock, knock, "Shit happens!"
12. Unitarian - What is this shit?
13. Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again ...
14. Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?
15. Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit!
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Aug 30, 2007 1:59:26 GMT
Why, Why, Why
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Jan 8, 2008 2:12:04 GMT
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jan 9, 2008 2:15:24 GMT
Ha that's a good one.
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake).
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her laughing face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless
Moral of the story: Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Jan 22, 2008 2:01:34 GMT
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.
She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.
On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jan 22, 2008 2:29:43 GMT
Niamh says: em doesn't matter,so Stephen how old are ya Stephen says: 20 Stephen says: 21 in june Niamh says: coolio Andrew - The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all says: June still doesn't know he lies about his age to get in her  |
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Jan 22, 2008 2:32:12 GMT
Niamh says: em doesn't matter,so Stephen how old are ya Stephen says: 20 Stephen says: 21 in june Niamh says: coolio Andrew - The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all says: June still doesn't know he lies about his age to get in her LOL  have you been talking to steve on MSN? |
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jan 22, 2008 5:08:48 GMT
I have indeed, thats why he posted again. Under my influence.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Jan 23, 2008 0:25:12 GMT
what do u mean under your influence lol
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jan 24, 2008 0:30:12 GMT
I told him to and he did.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Jan 28, 2008 1:41:19 GMT
An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jan 30, 2008 1:46:11 GMT
Mint walks into a bar, says to the bar man I'd like a pint.
Barman says no, we don't serve mints.
Mint says you listen to me! I'm the meanest, baddest mint there is now get me a pint!
Barman doesn't want trouble from the bad mint so he goes to get the pint.
Then another mint walks through the door, looks around then leaves.
The barman notices that the other mint ran and hid in the corner when he came in.
The barman asks why did you hide if you're the meanest, baddest mint?
The mint says I am, but that guy's menthol!
You can replace mint with bicycle and menthol with cyclepath too.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Feb 11, 2008 0:20:39 GMT
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Feb 12, 2008 0:47:19 GMT
What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?
Nothing, they've never met.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Feb 12, 2008 8:05:27 GMT
What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg? Nothing, they've never met. LMFAO! |
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Mar 9, 2008 1:40:33 GMT
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question." What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Mar 18, 2008 17:51:51 GMT
CHINESE SICK LEAVE 'I NO COME WORK TODAY'!!!
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today,
I really sick, Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house.'
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Mar 19, 2008 1:41:24 GMT
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
"Do you know her?" asks my wife.
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
"My God!" said my wife. :Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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