Gorek
Senior Hazuki
Posts: 3,736
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Post by Gorek on Sept 14, 2005 10:34:25 GMT
^ that joke offends my eyes.
Joke 1
A ventriloquist is in a pub telling lots of blonde jokes. After a while, a blonde woman stands up and shouts, "Thats is outrageous, we blondes arn't stupid." The ventriloquist apologies and explains it's just an act, but the blonde yells, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little bloke on your lap."
Joke 2
Why was the washing machine laughing so much?
Because it was taking the piss out of your underpants.
Joke 3
Everyday at work a bloke goes over to a female colleague who's wearing a short skirt, inhales deeply, tells her that her hair smells nice then goes back to his desk.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and complains furiously to her boss that it's sexual harassment.
Her boss is puzzled by her anger and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a colleague telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies "It's Keith, the dwarf."
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Jonny Craig
Senior Hazuki
Everything Is Ok
Posts: 1,867
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Post by Jonny Craig on Sept 14, 2005 21:15:16 GMT
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Sept 16, 2005 23:54:12 GMT
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Sept 19, 2005 0:19:55 GMT
This jokes pretty funny:
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Sept 23, 2005 23:17:51 GMT
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Jonny Craig
Senior Hazuki
Everything Is Ok
Posts: 1,867
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Post by Jonny Craig on Sept 24, 2005 19:54:18 GMT
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!
You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
No, she replies.........
(Wait for it...)
The suspense is killing you........)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Sept 24, 2005 22:23:28 GMT
Your not the only one who has a groan inducing joke...
There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m.
At 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager suddenly bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics and tears from laughter streaming down his face, he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Oct 11, 2005 23:15:56 GMT
Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Oct 15, 2005 23:44:14 GMT
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Oct 21, 2005 22:45:56 GMT
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Oct 22, 2005 20:41:54 GMT
LOL ^
Things You Should Know
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Oye!
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Oct 22, 2005 22:55:30 GMT
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
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Gorek
Senior Hazuki
Posts: 3,736
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Post by Gorek on Oct 23, 2005 19:21:06 GMT
lmao
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RavinRoadie
Senior Hazuki
Roadie on High
Teh God!
Posts: 3,131
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Post by RavinRoadie on Oct 23, 2005 20:26:22 GMT
A baby seal walks into a club.
I'll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.
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Gorek
Senior Hazuki
Posts: 3,736
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Post by Gorek on Oct 23, 2005 20:37:39 GMT
Food experts have discovered a cake that diminishes a womans sex drive by 99% it's called a wedding cake
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Oct 29, 2005 0:50:20 GMT
Horse walks into a bar. Barman says to the horse "Why the long face?". Horse says "My wife just died".
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Nov 5, 2005 4:11:14 GMT
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to river bank, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Nov 10, 2005 14:58:44 GMT
Two young Lovers Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
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Post by Shenmue Master on Nov 10, 2005 21:11:33 GMT
Daughter walks into a room, aks her dad "why did you name me rose?" he replied "well, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so we named you rose." she left. second daughter walks in and aks her dad "dad why did you name me daisy?" "well when you were born a daisy fell on your head" he replied, she left. third daughter comes in. she says "Der der auuughh der der." "SHUT UP BRICK" he replied
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Nov 12, 2005 2:02:48 GMT
A blone wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
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