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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jun 13, 2005 22:41:18 GMT
Whats black and white and red all over? your mother!! haha oh
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Jonny Craig
Senior Hazuki
Everything Is Ok
Posts: 1,867
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Post by Jonny Craig on Jun 14, 2005 18:02:03 GMT
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? Nothing you've already told her twice
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Jun 15, 2005 11:53:15 GMT
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about...
"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
"She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.
"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore'?"
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RavinRoadie
Senior Hazuki
Roadie on High
Teh God!
Posts: 3,131
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Post by RavinRoadie on Jun 15, 2005 12:32:31 GMT
^^ lmao!!
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Jonny Craig
Senior Hazuki
Everything Is Ok
Posts: 1,867
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Post by Jonny Craig on Jun 15, 2005 18:57:32 GMT
Nice joke GNFNRS
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Aug 29, 2005 23:06:51 GMT
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestele in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by ... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Aug 30, 2005 1:11:29 GMT
A young guy bought himself a shiny new motorcycle covered with nickels and bright chrome. He asked the salesman, ‘what can I do to protect it from rust?’ the salesman replied ‘when it starts to rain, immediately put petroleum jelly on all the shiny parts’. Soon after, his girlfriend invited him for a big family gathering at her parent’s house. On the day of the event, he parked his new motorcycle outside and went in to see that there were over 80 guests at the table. The girl’s father explained to him that ‘in our house, there is a custom; the one who says the first word after the food has to wash all the dishes.’ The moment everyone finished eating, there was complete silence. For two hours no one said a word. Finally, the boy had enough; he moved some dishes aside, laid his girlfriend on the table and banged her in front of everyone. No one said a word. Another half hour passes, the boy takes the girl’s mother and does the same thing to her. Again, no one dares to speak. Suddenly it begins to rain so the boy pulls out the petroleum jelly out of his pocket. Seeing that, the girl’s father said: ‘you won, I’ll do the dishes’.
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RavinRoadie
Senior Hazuki
Roadie on High
Teh God!
Posts: 3,131
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Post by RavinRoadie on Aug 30, 2005 18:42:40 GMT
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Aug 31, 2005 23:58:02 GMT
^LMAO!!!
A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Sept 1, 2005 0:30:09 GMT
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no ..." he replied.
"Can you get him for me ... I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't ..." breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do ...?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him," the bartender managed to mumble.
"Tell him," she whispered alluringly, "there's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room."
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RavinRoadie
Senior Hazuki
Roadie on High
Teh God!
Posts: 3,131
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Post by RavinRoadie on Sept 1, 2005 19:51:15 GMT
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Sept 1, 2005 20:21:13 GMT
Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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Post by GinfnersAddict on Sept 1, 2005 22:19:17 GMT
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer."What the ... ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
"It's not talcum powder," she shot back. "It's 'Miracle Grow'."
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Sept 2, 2005 23:24:21 GMT
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you" The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and thenstick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
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Gorek
Senior Hazuki
Posts: 3,736
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Post by Gorek on Sept 3, 2005 23:04:07 GMT
Joke 1
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
Joke 2
A poor starving cowboy enters a cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded, starring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. The young cowboy says, "If your not gonna eat that, mind if i do?"
The older cowboy says, "Go ahead"
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chilli. Disgusted, he pukes up the chilli into the bowl.
The older cowboy says, "Yep, Thats as for as i got, too"
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RavinRoadie
Senior Hazuki
Roadie on High
Teh God!
Posts: 3,131
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Post by RavinRoadie on Sept 4, 2005 19:14:08 GMT
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Sept 5, 2005 18:08:22 GMT
Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column. "Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion." "You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"
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Jonny Craig
Senior Hazuki
Everything Is Ok
Posts: 1,867
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Post by Jonny Craig on Sept 10, 2005 20:01:33 GMT
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in."P....E....N....I....S.." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
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Gorek
Senior Hazuki
Posts: 3,736
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Post by Gorek on Sept 11, 2005 19:50:32 GMT
^ lmao
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Post by ShenmueAddict on Sept 12, 2005 22:15:30 GMT
LOL thats a good one steve
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
"NUDIST COLONY"
Go slow and watch out for the chicks
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